Okay, how did I become the cannibalistic representative for DS? I mean, a man can fly a million kites, but no one will go around calling him a kite flyer. But, hey, snack on one friend, and all of a sudden, you're a cannibal. We were in high school, at a party, she had smoked a bit too much, I guess. Anyway, she wasn't waking up. And, you know, high school parties, one gets hungry, looking for a snack, and, oh yeah, check this out we were in Alabama. It's not like it's against the law. They had a grill-bonfire kind of thing going on out back, and I stumble out there. And there she is, head in the smoke. I thought, "Cool, we're playing a game." I walk out, tickle her. She doesn't move. Then I see that it's not that she is in the smoke, but she is the smoke. I mean, she was, well, you know, on fire. She was so hot. I pushed her away from the fire; she was on top of the pot of ribs. I grabbed a rib, because like I said, I was hungry.
So, I'm like sitting there, you know, getting my gnosh on, and these ribs were killer. I don't know if it was the sauce or what, but, you know, like DAMN! I don't remember what happened after that. I think someone came up and said something like, "Is she alive?", but I thought he said, "Are the ribs good?" So, I jump up, all like, you know, and I hold the rib up, and I said, "Oh man, killer, definitely killer!" I think they took me to jail or something after that.
Turns out she wasn't dead. She had had a seizure and fell into the fire, burning herself a bit. But they took her to the hospital, and she was fine. I mean, she had like skin grafts and stuff; I even donated some skin. Oh yeah, they didn't arrest me. Because she wasn't like dead and, well, I hadn't done anything. I went to see her when she was in the hospital. That's when I realized who she was. You remember Tim Beard's sister, Sherry? Oh yeah, you never knew her. Anyway, it was her. And she was really hot, man, you know. No, not like the fire and all, but like really, well, hot. The first thing she said to me when I saw her in the hospital was, "Thanks for saving my life." Yeah, me too. I mean, I saved her life? That's the first I heard of it.
All the ambulance people and all had said that I pulled her out of the fire. I thought, "Well, yeah, I did do that." I mean, she was all over the pot of ribs; I had to. So, maybe I am a hero. So, we start talking, you know, her there in the hospital. She had never talked to me before, but, I mean, it wasn't like she was going anywhere. So I would stop in every day to see her, and, like I said, I even donated some skin when they started doing the grafts. It wasn't a big deal. I never spent much time outside in the sun, so my skin was good. I don't know if we fell in love there in the hospital or if it was maybe later when we were in rehab.
Her mother brought us bar-b-que ribs when we were going through rehab, her adjusting and adapting to her new skin, me stretching things out. It hurt like hell, but, I mean bar-b-que ribs with Sherry Beard, and she liked me, and wanted me there...seriously, dude, who wouldn't.
We've been married almost five years, now. I took her to Outback for our last anniversary. I remember people kind of looked at us when they called our name for our table, "Donner, party of two." I don't get it, but the food was damn good.
So, you see, I was never really a cannibal at all. People spread rumors, things get said, whatever. To be honest, I don't really mind that people call me cannibal. I mean, it reminds me of how I met the love of my life, and like the bumper sticker I saw the other day said, "Save the Whales; Eat a friend."
Posted: Sat Jun 19, 2010 9:34 pm
