Deep Spirits

For some people the answer to that question is as simple as "looks". For others it is a bit more complex, bur hardly ever one and the same thing, and I was curious to see what it is for Deep Spirits...

To answer my own question, I would say the thought process, so the way a person thinks, what kind of questions he asks, how open-minded and curious he is, if he is creative, what he creates, how strong his creative urge is, as well as my personal opinion about his creations, if he is passionate, how he behaves under pressure, if he knows how to have fun and not take himself too seriously, if he is kind, if he is "magnetic",... and a lot more.
I didn't include any physical criteria above, although I definitely have my preferences in that regard and I can't say that looks aren't important, and yet... there have been instances in my past when I would fall for someone who is not only "not handsome", but downright ugly by general standards.
There was this guy once... whenever I confided in someone and told them how I feel about him, they would burst into uncontrollable laughter.

But he was fascinating to me... up until the day my fascination magically dissolved, when I realized that he is prejudiced towards certain people. I dislike prejudice...

So, what attracts you and why?
Are there any absolute taboos for you? Things that, if you see them in another person, the attraction immediately falls apart?

I have many different thoughts on this, falling in love, what particular traits in another will initiate it in an individual.

I think everyone has certain physical characteristics that particularly attract them, and, as you say, I see no problem with that. Just as one may be attracted to a certain sense of humor, why wouldn't the same individual be attracted to a certain physical type? But, as you say, there are things that over-ride simple physical attraction. Personally, I am attracted to women who are tall, athletic, nice hips, and so on. Saying that, there have been many instances in the past where I fell hard for someone who didn't match those things at all. One of the women I fell hardest for, with her becoming an obsession during our time together, was not even 5 feet tall, as she would say, "4' 10" and a half." She always stressed the half-inch. I say I'm most attracted to women close to 6 feet tall, and I fall head over heels for someone no where close to that.

What was it about her that overcame what may seem her physical deficiencies? We talked. Really, it's as simple as that. We were, in a sense, misfits within the area in which we lived. Much of the population was very narrow minded, having no interest in pursuing anything outside of what was known to them. She was not like that. We talked about writing, traveling, anything either of us found interesting, things we could share with few if any others. We found ourselves to be much more alike than different, each of us finding a bit of a safe haven from the confusion of the world, the area, in which we lived.

Although she was much shorter than my ideal, she was far from unattractive. She did have a beautiful body, but I likely wouldn't have taken the time to notice except for the intellectual qualities that seemed to draw us toward each other. The connection we shared was so strong that now, sixteen-years later, I think of her, remembering certain things, and smile.

I continue to maintain my preferred physical type. But, through past experience, I've learned there are often many exceptions to every rule.

Sabina asks:

Are there any absolute taboos for you? Things that, if you see them in another person, the attraction immediately falls apart?

There are many things that will turn me off from someone I may have initially felt attracted to. Reading this question, one instance in particular popped into my head.

There was a woman I was attracted to. She was pretty (as I see it), fun to talk to, and athletic, being a star on the university softball team. We talked and joked, a mutual attraction growing. We had spent time together, but generally among other friends. Finally, we went on our first official date. We went to eat, nothing too large, simply grabbing a bite before seeing a film.

I don't remember which film it was, but in one scene, two of the male characters kissed. They were fully clothed, nothing explicit, simply a shared kiss between two people in love. My date's reaction of, "Eww," told me more about her than all of our talks up to that point. I could understand if she were bothered by it, two men kissing being new to her, if she had at least been willing to consider there was nothing wrong about it, if she had been willing to question and get past the prejudices she had learned. I mentioned the scene as we drove home after the film. Her reaction was basically still the same. She wasn't so much bothered by it as it being wrong but simply was unwilling to question or think outside the box of prejudices she had brought with her to college.

We remained friends, but after that night, I felt no attraction to her in any way.

I maintain certain preferences, physical and intellectual, but I've learned there are exceptions to pretty much any rule.

I'm not sure about the title, as in 'Falling in Love', to me it tends to be something that can only be called that ....afterwards.
Truly, i dont think i have fallen in Love many times, fallen in lust, fallen for want of a better woman, fallen into bewilderment...but its only afterwards that i can say its actual Love.

As a dedicated people watcher, i can look and be bewitched or turned off in an instant. There is a 'look', but honestly i have seen that 'look' in wildly different faces, faces that bear no resemblance to each other at all.

So, its not a type, although yes i have always been attracted to a certain look

Lets look at what its not for me, or what turns me off someone full stop. I dont like vanity, i find a woman overly concerned about her appearance to be boring, the fashion victim strutting around on mad heels, hanging out of a designer handbag, fake tan, fake nails, fake lashes, and fake...ok lets not go any further there.

For me, the eyes have it...or not.

I can tell from watching a womans eyes what kind of heart she has. Depth can be gauged, tenderness appreciated, a sense of self esteem is evident immediately. OK, its first impressions but thats what counts initially at least.

So what attracts me?
Its hard not to appreciate an open self assured smile, couple that with a sense of vulnerability and femininity.......and im hooked for 2mins/or 20yrs!

Well... I'll be honest, I can't really fall in love with someone if they're not appealing to me. It's just one of those things that are on equal level with personality for me. So, both in girls and boys. Thing is though, I like to search for girl qualities in boys as well, meaning I prefer to be "seme" (Kai might know what this expression means, for those who don't, it's a japanese expression, which means something like "dominant" in a relationship). With girls I like when they're older than me, with boys when they're younger.

Personality-wise, a good sense of humour is a must be. They have to be able to "get" me, if they don't, it just doesn't work... It's not the easiest thing in the world to find a "deep" girl or boy, but even if they're not thinking about stuff all the time, I need them at least to be interested in listening to my opinions... Willing to go into debates, willing to start to ponder over stuff that they usually wouldn't think about. I also need them to be understanding, have an open mind... I think if they have these qualities, after passing the appearance test, I can fall in love pretty easily. It brought me some pain throughout the years, because really, if there is someone who let's me get close to them I can easily give away all the attention, love and care that I have, often giving away too much and not getting back the same things.

That's kind of it...

Before I can give a definitive answer to the questions, a certain assumption has to be made... we are speaking in your initial questions about romantic love. Or, at minimum, that is the love on which I'll be answering the questions.

So, what attracts you and why?

There are a myriad of things that can potentially attract me to someone. But I'll hit on the "fab 4" for the purpose of simplicity...
physically: I have very few "requirements" for physical attraction, though the first thing that I notice on someone, male or female, is their hair. Yes, I said their hair. My mother has been a cosmetologist my entire life, and I have spent more time in salons than I have anything besides my own house and the hospital. I have grown to believe that how someone takes care of their hair says a great deal about them. Followed quickly by their eyes, because as someone else said (sorry for not remembering who) the eyes are the windows to the soul. Beyond that, male or female, I'm pretty open to anything.
mentally: They have to be a thinker of some sort. I can be civil and friendly with just about anyone. I cannot find myself attracted to, or "fallen in love" with, someone who is closed minded.
emotionally: I'm gonna skip this one for now, because I've fallen in love with a full range of emotional folks.
spirituality: know where they are, or at least where they are going.

Are there any absolute taboos for you? Things that, if you see them in another person, the attraction immediately falls apart?

Absolutely. Close-mindedness. Now I will say I think we are all close-minded about something. We all have that one thing (or more) that our minds just simply will not accept. Perhaps it is me being close-minded, but I cannot accept the idea of a 100% true open-minded person.

IsonaliAki wrote: Perhaps it is me being close-minded, but I cannot accept the idea of a 100% true open-minded person.

You're right. But I see open mindedness as the ability to listen to other people's opinions, judge them and change ours accordingly, if necessary. I think what we mean under closed mindedness is the unwilingness to have your views challanged, or feeling offense if someone points out you're wrong, rather being grateful that they have shown you something new... And that doesn't have to be measured in any way. Nothing is 100%, except that nothing is 100%... :P

Sorry for the off :)

Hmmm... you know? Generally I would have probably replied that I would first need to be physically attracted to the girl to be interested enough to pursue the relationship on a deeper level... but, I think for me, I have the strong desire to share life. And in order to do that, the person I would fall in love with would have to find the things that I like to do interesting and appealing. But, that does not mean they could just admire the things I do/did... It would mean they would also like to do those things... of course they wouldn't have to enjoy doing all the things I do, or like to do, but quite a bit of those things. In order to share life we would have to have a similar approach to life.

I would say that any prejudice is taboo for me... I don't like biased judging of anybody.

I think falling in love can be different for the same person - with different people and circumstances. My first what I would really call "puppy love" was with my first husband. I was young - just 15 going on 16, he was 19 - and I was attracted to looks - tall - over 6 ft and dark hair -that was my ideal. The first year was fun - what I quickly found out was that looks are not the be all and end all of course -although we do have to have something that attracts us to begin with. We dated for 6 years before we married and I should have seen what I was getting into - but even then I stayed 17 years in a marriage that was abusive and one in which I did not feel loved at all. I only tell this part of the story because of how it leads into what I will always refer to as "my first love". I was 38 working in an insurance company and a new manager arrived to take over the office. This man who would eventually become my husband was 17 years older than me. I have to say that I was drawn to him right from the start - I had never before had this experience where things were not predicated solely on looks but was just "a feeling". How to describe that feeling. A kindred spirit, a soulmate? And in the looks department he was no slouch either. Tall at 6'1" but with white hair which had been blonde when young. Not my normal criteria - LOL. He was very distinguished looking. But more than that - through two years of working with him (which I know is a dynamite situation in a workspace) I was drawn more and more to his personality. He was a man of few words -but when he spoke he could tug at my heartstrings. When he would walk by - I was pulled - probably sexual - LOL again. When we finally got to talking seriously together I realized he was everything my first husband was not. Maybe the big thing to me was -maturity. Even given the 17 years between us -his personality was so responsible, so giving, so caring. My first husband never grew up - still running around with the guys playing baseball and football. Don't get me wrong -that is o.k. -but when it takes over everything else in life - then it is just not right. Me first - you second kind of thinking. In my second relationship I always felt loved and cherished. We shared in everything - I was a partner whose opinion was respected for the first time in my life. I always say life began at 40 for me - better late than never. And the funny thing is that both these men were libras. So some of the similar traits were there - i.e. the more dominant personality - but the way each handled themselves was so utterly different. The story ends - that my second husband and I finally got together amid much flurry in the office, anger and resentment from some, support and love from others and so forth. My husband just passed away on September 4th of this year, but I feel so lucky to have had him for 26 years. He truly was the love of my life!
Lynda

I think my impression of what love is, or indeed what falling in love is has changed over the years. I see it as being less defined, less limited now. So much of what we experience is seen through eyes that habitually use tunnel vision to observe it.
For me now, i can experience that feeling of love very easily, and in circumstances that do not have a 'need' attached to them.
The idea of finding one person to experience love with is possibly delusional, it should be part of many interactions with friends, strangers, those whom we share a vision with. This allows love to be a far greater force, a fundamental energy that we share openly.
The falling in love thing is a powerful experience, mostly its us recognising that energy within ourselves. Finding someone to help us release that energy is wonderful and leads to shared bliss, if it lasts its great, if not maybe we should accept it as having been a pleasure. Sadly we can experience hurt and loss, and prolonged grief lasting a liftime if we cling to a love that has past its time.
The good news is that love is all around, if we open our hearts its there, even in the 'look' of a stranger, the smile of a child, the warmth of a memory, the hope in our hearts, it exists of itself.

d.

"The good news is that love is all around, if we open our hearts its there, even in the 'look' of a stranger, the smile of a child, the warmth of a memory, the hope in our hearts, it exists of itself"

Dermot I totally agree with this statement. I love many people, my friends, my family - but I always think of "falling in love" as that which I did with my husband. But what has given me comfort since he has passed away is seeing a small happy child, or a young couple walking arm in arm along the street - or an impromptu conversation with a stranger in a store. Love is all around for sure if we take the time to look for and at it. Most of all, for me, my love is still there in the memories of my husband - that will never end.