Huh.

By Agate

Huh.

Postby Agate » Mon Jun 28, 2010 5:07 pm

This past weekend was mostly filled with paper-writing. And much as I love to write, I utterly detest research papers! But it had to be done, and done reasonably well...so I did it. I also went the comfort-food route more than I have the past couple weeks. Though I stuck to my vegetarian guns, my food choices were not much different from my old eating patterns. (i.e. long on starch and cheese and shockingly short on actual veggies)

The weird thing is that sometime Sunday evening I found myself looking forward to today when I could get back to my "normal" diet. For some weird reason I feel so happy knowing I've got a pot of lentil-rice soup going. This shift in mindset is very strange...but I'm enjoying it!

And now I'm leaning back and letting myself be utterly unproductive for a couple days. I've got two full weeks before my next class starts, and today at least I'm going to be lazy!


Fast forward a few hours...

It's a little disconcerting to feel this good so much of the time. Yeah, last week was stress city with that $%&@ term paper to write...but even so, it was the easiest finals week I've ever dealt with.

I guess I hadn't realized how accustomed to misery I'd become. And that's weird too, because I've got a reputation for being (annoyingly) positive all the time. But now I look at it, a lot of that attitude was kind of forced. It was almost a "I'm going to be positive and cheerful if it kills me!" attitude; a decent first step, but not quite authentic. If the truth be told, I've spent the better part of the past year with a rictus grin on my face, determined to hold on until things improve.

I'm a bit confused now that they have.

I've been running in crisis mode for so long that I had to think for several minutes to identify my prevalent emotion right now as peace. I'm not sure the last time I felt it, or if I ever have. Oh, there have been peaceful moments here and there...but most of them were tinged with desperation. It kind of felt like those first few blissful moments after getting a big shot of pain medication; the jolt of realizing that the pain has gone away, followed with a period of relieved stupor...but all the time tinged with the awareness that that pain is gonna come back soon. While grateful for the reprieve, I was quietly bracing myself for the pain to return.

So it's very odd to feel this level of peace. It's even odder to realize that the peacefulness has almost become my baseline emotion. Part of me keeps trying to brace for the inevitable bad to come around...but it's more a matter of habit than really expecting a bunch of manure to hit the fan.

I like this change, don't get me wrong...I'm just puzzled.
Everyone's got a tale to tell,
I know I'm not the first, or last but somewhere in-between;
Not best but not the worst.
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Re: Huh.

Postby Sabina » Tue Jun 29, 2010 6:13 pm

Peace is nice. Peace is peaceful. :)

Try not to think of what may or may not happen. Life is a series of waves, yes, so it goes up and down and up and down, but the magnitude of the waves is different for different people.

A long long time ago I used to ride on huge waves... high up, high down...

Then it mellowed out... but I didn't like that either, because the average between the mellowed out waves was too low for me. Too bland.

And then it again changed and went up all together, and that was nice.. so now, for the most part, even if I have a down, it's still in the positive spectrum. Like I said, for the most part.
I am just trying to say that life is a dance of change.
You allow for the change to happen, while remaining positive, as you say you tend to anyway, and it will keep on getting better and better.

[]D


Addendum

I would recommend that you read the (at the moment) last two poems added to the Great Poems topic, if you haven't already, or even if you have. :)
They are...
Invictus, by W. E. Henley, added by myself, and
Ithaca, by C.P. Cavafy, added by Daywhite

I think they are both highly inspiring.

"Whether You believe you can, or you can't, you are right."
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