Complimenting

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Complimenting

Postby Sabina » Wed Apr 21, 2010 9:09 pm

Why are some people uncomfortable with compliments?

No, I am not one of those people.. I love compliments, and am grateful for each single one I receive. That also makes perfect sense to me... what is there not to like? However, I discovered that quite a few people have a problem accepting compliments. So why is that?

What is also interesting that some of those people who have a problem accepting compliments find it equally problematic to give compliments.
Others only have a problem accepting them, but not handing them out.

How are you when it comes to giving and receiving compliments? Why?
What are your thoughts or experiences with the different possibilities, as outlined above?
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Re: Complimenting

Postby Metatron » Wed Apr 21, 2010 9:45 pm

I don't like getting compliments. Well, it's hard to answer cuz I both do and don't. I think it comes from my early childhood when I was terribly unsatisfied with myself and thought everyone was better than me in everything. So when someone compliments me my first inner thought is... Shut up, that's not true lol. It is also awkward for me, I never know how to receive a compliment, what to do with it. So I usually just smile like a crazy fool and wish the person left me alone :D

On the other hand, the compliments I have received in my life have helped me to become confident with myself, so I now I think I'm better in everything than everyone B0)

jK :D

So for that reason I compliment those people who I feel deserve it, especially when I know they lack self-confidence.
Who the hell is it you try to impress?

All you have to do is learn to care less!
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Re: Complimenting

Postby mirjana » Wed Apr 21, 2010 10:51 pm

Great topic Sabina. =0)
I love your explanation about compliments and this reminded me to one conversation I used to have about complimenting in my office once because one of my colleagues didn't know how to deal with compliments. Then, one older gentleman who used to work as our representative in Brazil told us stories about that how Brazilian women wonderfully and naturally take compliments with smile and gratitude for being noticed. These stories and the way he said them influenced me very much and from then on I keep trying to be aware of the compliment, the person who gives it, and most of all to be aware of the reason for getting it. It helped me to understand better what kind of impact I have on other people, to understand myself better.
Personally, I am aware of all kinds of beauty around me, by people, nature, situations and I am happy to express my feelings about it. For me it is not giving a compliment, it is just giving a deserved description for someone or something who/that touched my day with beauty.
I could never understand people who have eyes, but do not see, who have ears, but do not hear, who are able to speak, but do not do that. I think that interdependency means to be aware of self and everyone and everything around as somehow we are influencing each other that way, and for the better.
People who have problem with compliment, both giving them and receiving them, they have problem with Giving-Receiving polarity and only after neutralization, and they would be able to apply both by choice.
PS: It is still easier for me to give a compliment than to get it, but I am doing my best to become Brazilian woman, or Sabina. 80S
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Re: Complimenting

Postby Ryan » Wed Apr 21, 2010 11:04 pm

Myself, compliments are slightly discomforting... why? Because they generally just catch me off guard... when I do something I usually consider the affect it will have on people but the aspect of recognition, much less the verbal expression of it, never really crosses my mind. So, in that moment when it happens I am simply not prepared... and that is, to say the least, surprising.

Another factor in it is that I don't think I am that "special" to receive such "praise" (I purposely exaggerate with the word praise because at first dawn of receiving a compliment it feels as such). I feel that everyone can do the same things I do/did and therefore it is seems strange to me... Some would tend to think I may have some self worth issues... I don't think so. I think it is partially because I believe in people's ability to adapt, learn, and change... and it is also maybe a bit of a means to keep myself somewhat humble... but after the initial "shock" of it I certainly like having been given the compliment.

As for giving compliments... tough one... I generally think I do "OK" at giving compliments... I don't exaggerate either way... but truth be told I am probably more on the lacking side of giving compliments. Maybe because of the approach I have for myself... that it is just normal that they did it... "it is nice... but is it really worth complimenting...?" I don't know... however, if I see that someone did something that I know is difficult... if only that I know it is/was difficult for them... I generally will at least acknowledge it in some way to show that I noticed and I think it is... at least "cool". Another part of it is that I consider a person's motivation... I don't think it is good to "train" a person... to put it bluntly. You know? "If I am good I'll get a treat" kind of mentality... I would rather want to support a "do it because it is what you want to do", or "what you feel is right" attitude, rather than because of how others might feel about it or what "praise" you might get.
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Re: Complimenting

Postby Alvino » Sat Apr 24, 2010 4:03 am

For me it is not giving a compliment, it is just giving a deserved description for someone or something who/that touched my day with beauty.

So you may UNDERSTAND the FACT people think I GIVE 100 s of compliments
but my belief and stance is I NEVER GIVE ANY ONE ANY COMPLIMENT

I MERELY AND ONLY speak the TRUTH

ADDED, in many cases folks cannot accept compliments because

YOU ARE A DIRT LIAR IF MY OWN FATHER judged me to be
a useless, and worth nothing human being How can you
believe differently about what I am , etc

i EXAGGERATED to make my point ==
in general inability to accept or believe compliments is rooted
in childhood experiences related to the value or worth that
our LOVED ONE S gave to us..
thanks for trying to understand I am NOT belittling any one's
mind strength or their parents, et al.

=
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Re: Complimenting

Postby Alvino » Sat Apr 24, 2010 4:32 am

I could never understand people who have eyes, but do not see, who have ears, but do not hear, who are able to speak, but do not do that.

Dear Mirjana:
Almost all humans beings NEVER CAN SEE WHAT THEY SEE..


HERE is one reason why this is true:
Girls love cars, they love to look at them , study them and take them apart

so if a car is present or cars and a bunch of dolls ARE present
the girls (women) WILL see the cars but THEY WILL NOT SEE THE DOLLS.

AND BOYS as we all know love dolls and clothes so if MANY CARS
are around and a few dolls the boys will SEE THE DOLLS
and their clothing but boys WILL see BUT NOT SEE THE CARS.

I repeat: it is a rare human being who can EVER SEE WHAT THEY ARE SEEINg

Mirjana, you know you are interested in BEAUTY OF NATURE AND humans
so you WILL SEE BEAUTY IN A HUMAN BEING when
others only see MY FUNNY NOSE or such things in the humans they
are near or they will see the fact I am a "bad boy" and find it
impossible to SEE THE TRUTH THAT I AM A SAINT.

FOR example last week I drove into a one way outlet from
a road I wanted to use instead of driving 25 feet further to go
into my ENTRY into that road.
A pol ice drove around a curve about a block in front of me
as i drove past the STOP SIGN FOR outgoing cars.
I seen he was goi ng to continue to drive straight down the
road I had been using but he came after me.
HE CHEWED ME OUT FOR a long time beginning with his
yelling at me and becoming angry at me because I HAD
jumped out of my Big, Big pick up truck .
he was yelling at me to GET BACK in my truck and I kept coming out.
as he became angrier at me and his hand was getting closer to his pistol
I CALLED OUT that I was a disabled man , my back was disable
so I was slow getting back into my truck
then he yelled at me that I had NO LICENSE ON my long trailer
and I had no tail lights on it and when he came to my window
he became more angry at me because he said i was speeding
when I turned the corner .
he loudly asked me if i had any respect for the law at all
and asked me if I THOUGHT I WAS ABOVE THE LAW
AND pointed out another violation.
whisper i jumped out of the truck because my TRUCK LICENSE
was expired so i did not want him to come to the front
and i had NO insurance proof with me, etc
and I almost NEVER wear a seat belt, etc.

My point is this:
one day a cop caught me with no seat belt so I knew enough to s
stay in my truck but he fumbled around so i got out and went to talk to him
I came back into my truck and the policeman came over and told m
I COULD GO with a verbal warning.
my adult son SAID DAD, AS SOON AS YOU GOT OUT OF THE TRUCK
I KNEW THE POLICEMAN WOULD NOT GIVE YOU A TICKET.

YES, FOLKS THE very angry policeman LET ME GO WITHOUT EVEN
CHECKING MY LICENSE == he just told me - no he just CHEWED ME
out royally and told me to get going. about 3 pm -

so what did the young adult lady who was in the truck with me
and anyone else who heard the story SEE = THEY SAW , AL
a very bad citizen who does not obey the law , etc.
Few would see = WOW, AL MUST BE A SAINT = GOD PROTECTS HIM etc
whisper GOD PROTECTS DRUNKS AND FOOLS.

mY 11 YR old grandson came to visit one day: he said
DADDY TOLD ME you could steal something and make some other boy
believe HE HAD stolen the thing = HOW DO YOU DO THIS, GRANDPA.

Of course , you all know my son SEEN THE WRONG THING IN ME,
in fact he COMMITTED THE other SEEING FAILURE THAT MOST humans
see= THEY SEE WHAT IS NOT REALLY THERE = YOU all know I am a Saint
so I do not steal
but anyways I GAVE MY grandson a few lessons in how I am often
stopped by policeman for this and that and the policeman let me go.
The power comes from READING your body language
which YOU , ALL speak even by the words YOU TYPE.
AND tthe power comes from MY SKILL IN ALWAYS
GO ING WITH MY BRAIN AND SOUL AND HEART AND EMOTIONS
TO WHERE you , you, you ARE AT.
I am at some place with horses but when I read body language
and see the other person is at a place with BIRDS i immediately
go there = my hrt soul and emotions and mind GO TO
the place with birds WHERE YOU ARE presently located.

the cop SEEN ME AS An IDIOT and other wise worthless human
being and of course he saw me as GUULTY
so my first words were OFFICER I WAS WRONG , VERY WRONG
etc, the my eyes, nose shoulders, ALL OF ME acted in
that MODE I WAS WRONG AND GUILTY and USELESS , dumb, idiot
human being
HE gave me a FINAL """ non compliment " and told me to LEAVE

SO, i repeat PEOPLE RARELY SEE WHAT THEY ARE SEEING
the policeman was seeing a man who would have to pay
about 1200 hundred dollars in FINES but he did not see
this he saw the dumb human being HE saw when
I got out of the truck in VIOLATION OF ALL logic
in TX because policemen and citizens shoot a lot
of folks in TEXAS = we can carry guns and use them
and he saw a VERY VERY SCARED WOMEN in THE passenger side
of my truck = THIS ALSO helped him see me as a man
to BE allowed to continue on his way to WORK
local cops give BREAKS TO WORKING MEN whom
they identify by our LOADED TRUCKS and clothes, etc.

final word, I AM A MARINE and this is all over my truck
and MANY POLICEMEN ARE MARINES, ALSO,
this helps when I am caught speeding and they let me go.
.
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Re: Complimenting

Postby mirjana » Sat Apr 24, 2010 11:39 am

Alvino wrote:I could never understand people who have eyes, but do not see, who have ears, but do not hear, who are able to speak, but do not do that.

Dear Mirjana:
Almost all humans beings NEVER CAN SEE WHAT THEY SEE..

I can agree with that. Our character and the level of consciousness define our perception. Probably therefore it is each time refreshing when we meet people who do not react to cars and dolls but to many other less visible, but more valuable things.

Alvino wrote:...final word, I AM A MARINE and this is all over my truck
and MANY POLICEMEN ARE MARINES, ALSO,
this helps when I am caught speeding and they let me go.

It is great that you found the way to deal with policemen. A little bit of psychology is always helpful =0)
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Re: Complimenting

Postby Alvino » Sun Apr 25, 2010 5:50 am

for SABINA .
what does your VIEWS AND insights do = CONFIRM OR DENY
THIS reason why many people CANNOT HANDLE COMPLIMENTS.

REASON # 3: very FEW people know how to give compliments so
MOST people do not give compliments CONSEQUENTLY RYAN
and many others RECEIVE THEM AS SCHOCKING SURPRISES
SO they = ryan and others DENY DENY DENY or reject
reject reject the rare, very rare compliments they receive.

the former was my Experience early in life so I did two things
first I MADE THE DECISION to continue to do PERFECT WORK (PRODUCTS)
whether anyone commented about my perfect work and saintly BEHAVIOR or not.
second. I learned TO PAT MYSELF ON THE BACK lots and lots

during 20 yrs of mil service i was ORDERED TO consult a psychologist
SHRINK OR HEAD DOCTOR 3 different times by my commanders
in NAM CAUSE I HATED the way we were handling the war
BIG WASTE OF MONEY and we could NOT SHOOT at the enemy without
first GETTING permission, etc.
that doc heard meout n told me. SGT i see your actions as
being flawless, He continued , IN FACT I WISH i had the guts to
speak out like you do. I often want to tell my superiors the SAME
THINGS you say to supervisors,.
the second one told me to get out of his office Because I did not
any such help = (( i had already known him as an acquaintance)

the third one was the result of my telling the AREA education director
area was TURKEY AND iraq and 2 other countries that he managed
that he was a stupid man and that I could do a lot better job then
he was doing. I even wrote that I thought he should be fired.
I had been hired to teach a INTRO to Real estate Principles class
for UNIV of Maryland and this IDIOT who was 300 miles away
had received my books but DID NOT MAIL THEM TO me for a week
or longer = daily planes to us.
so the doctor heard my side and he told me exactly what the
first one had told me == my actions were rational, justified
and APPROPRIATE, etc.
when he finished he SAID CAPT DO you have any questions.
Yes Sir , i said to the Capt I have one:
I have been in the service for nearly 20 yrs and never has
anyone told me I DID A BAD JOB OR TOLD ME I DID A good job
they say nothing to me OF THIS NATURE ( ACCEPT FOR RACIST
thinking officers, etc.
HE SAID TO ME immediately I KNOW THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION.

of course this totally surprised me
he said YESTERDAY I CALLED Y OUR commander ( colonel ) to ask
about the quality of your work and personality.
The colonel told me HE never talks to you because if he asks you
if the job is done YOU WILL SAY YES SIR or Col I am waiting for
one more paper (input from some tenant on the base) and I can finish the job.
and Doc continued. Your Colonel told me that if he ever tells you
that you are wrong OR THAT IT should be done a different way
you WILL PROVE TO HIM that your way is the correct way.
so this is why he supervisors treat you in this Silent manner, Capt Al.

A Marine Colonel did give me an award and had a parade in my honor
because the job had not been done without any errors for 13 months
and when I took over the higher headquarters sent notices that
I had not made one single error or mistake during my first month.
and then the second, etc.
but even this commander had NOT EVER said a single word to me
about the quality of my work
BUT because I had SILENTLY SOUGHT reprimends etc or compliments
during my first two years but DID NOT GET ANY I found a way
to CREATE my own compliments
for example =
one early AM about 3 30 am ALL THE MARINES WERE AWAKEN
and told to prepare to go FIGHT A CA forest fire so I WAS
in the act of Saddling up when I heard someone shouting my name
IT WAS THE unit SGT MAJOR

he told me he was a bit upset because the COLONEL HAD
ordered him to come to the Barracks to Do one single job.
He said the Colonel ordered me to find me and to make
CERTAIN I DID NOT JUMP ON THE TRUCKS OR helicopters
to go fight the fire because he did NOT WANT anyone
but me to compose and type the DAILY UNIT DIARY REPORT
and Pay day papers, etc.
TO THIS DAY I still RECALL THIS very LOUDLY SPOKEN
compliment with great joy and Happiness.
actually there was about three compliments trhat i was told
IN THIS one incident = both the Col and Sgt Maj absolutely
knew I WOULD BE one of the first MARINES ON THE CHOPPER
to go do that extremely heavy work..
and the Sgt Maj was MOSTLY used to reprimend, correct, etc
the troops =
One of my most favorite and enjoyable SELF DESIGNATED
TASKS since that year or around that time was to HELP
PEOPLE TO LEARN TO PAT THEMSELVES ON THEIR OWN BACK
(especially recently divorced women) because NO ONE ELSE
WOULD do this complimenting task.
The two men in here who reported they MOSTLY or somewhat
do not like to be complimented would profit immensely
in my experience IF THEY LEARNED TO PAT THEMSELVES
on their own BACK = a lot and often.

In those days MARINES WERE made to report to a PAY officer
who was sitting at a table with me next to him telling him
what to pay each man.
whisper in those GOOD OLD DAYS
some MARINES WERE ORDERED TO WALK BACK WARDS
TO THE PAY TABLE because they should be ashamed
to receive any pay at all because of the poor work they had done that period.

ok SABINA, I HOPE you did not lose track of my BASIC QUESTION.
THANKS
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